Say More. BE More.

Goood Morning!

I want to do something differently, today. I'm compelled to be a little personal and talk about something that made a profound impact on my life in hopes that if you're going through this, you, too, can find the courage that you need.


Jay Z said it best, "You can't heal what you never reveal."


Picture it: Fort Bliss, 2017.

I was beginning my clearing process to make my transition from Active Duty back to the civilian life after serving 4 years and 21 weeks in the US Army. I had plans of moving to TN and being with the one I loved; the first person who made me feel that marriage and children could actually be apart of my future. We had plans, hopes, and dreams. But, a few days before it was time for the move, he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.


What the what!? Yeah...




Thee ONLY thing I could do was cry! I cried to my mom... (which I've NEVER done before in my life) The pain was indescribable and almost unbearable. But I didn't have much time to wallow in sorrow because I didn't want my stuff going to TN, so I immediately went to have everything changed to my mom's house. Thank God for MY mother and thank God there was still time!


Now, you can probably imagine how I felt having to back home; embarrassed, angry, depressed, hopeless... I had no job and no plans on how to proceed, but I had a car note and other bills that didn't give a darn about my personal life. I was a walking zombie for a couple of months, just going through the motions. I smiled and made funnies, but I was dead inside.


So, I decided to see a therapist. Somebody other than me and God needed to know what the heck was going on because I was going bonkers!


I didn't want to hurt anymore and darn sure didn't want him or anybody else to see me broken.

Therapy was thee BEST decision that I could have ever made for myself besides joining the military and accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior!

I'm not going to say that after the first session I felt light and free because that isn't how things work, but for the first time in months, I felt more alive. I really did. The things that I could talk about, I did. And I slowly began to find peace from those broken pieces.





Now, picture it: Illinois, 2020.
 
I'm still in therapy and working out the kinks of life because I'm so hesitant and cautious about everything; Life, love, and the pursuit of happiness My therapist tells me all the time, "Just rip off the Band-Aid, already! "  I just don't want to make the same mistakes. I don't want to be where I was 3 years ago! That ain't cute!


When people used to ask me why I came back home, I used to reply that "a series of unfortunate events" landed me here, but now I feel differently.


And as crazy as this sounds, I wouldn't change a thing! I don't regret any of that pain because it made me a stronger Human Being. It humbled me. It forced me to grow the heck up which is probably what I needed the most!




I now have a  job that I absolutely love, I just purchased my first home, and I love being loved by whom I'm loving. Baby when I tell you that there is something divine about love after a breakup, whew! I'm just thanking God that I was able to recognize it even before I was brave enough to put a name to it.

I just needed to get out of my own head, so I could open myself up for all the blessings that had MY name engraved on them.



So, I absolutely recommend you seeking out help when and if you need it!


Depression is real.


Mental illness is real.

My cousin posted an image on Instagram today that said, "Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help and brave enough to ask for it." So, my  prayer for you is that when you find yourself buried in despair and when you feel like you couldn't go on another day; you first, acknowledge that you need help, and then you're brave enough to accept that help because suicide is a PERMANANT decision for a TEMPORARY situation!


There are resources available for you, please use them!


So, without further adieu...


… It IS a pleasure to meet you!

Comments

  1. UnknownFriday, March 13, 2020 at 4:46:00 PM CDT

    I can relate, although what I went through and still am going through is different based on the outcome and the title (Husband vs Boyfriend). Never the less, it's still painful. I went to a military therapist. Her job was to help couples workout the kinks in the marriage. I didn't know that when I went lol! I wasnt trying to work anything out because what was done is unforgivable. But I spoke with her anyway and it just felt nice to have someone other than your family to speak to about the situation. Nothing came of the sessions and I didn't find it at all helpful for my marriage -only because my mind was made up when I first entered the room. Hell, she was on my side. Anybody would be after knowing the details- But I did find it helpful to talk to someone when in a dark place. I never once thought about suicide. My first thoughts were to keep living my life and live it for myself because knowing will treat me better than I treat myself. I feel that not everyone can be helped when they are tired of this world. But the ones that can be helped there is always a way to survive. You never know who can be helped so never leave a struggling person to wallow in their agony alone. All done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Renee B ReneeMonday, March 16, 2020 at 8:16:00 AM CDT

      I feel that 100%. You can't help somebody who doesn't want to be help! And I'm praying that what the enemy meant for evil will work out for your good! Thank you for sharing!

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