Diss Ease

GOOOD MORNING!

One of the questions that I used to get asked all of the time is, "What made YOU join the Army?" I guess very few believed that I actually could make it through. So, I'd like to take you on a journey from destruction to redemption...


It's taken me great deal of courage to write these words, but I believe that in order to remain my true and authentic self, I must first be honest with myself.


I have to first thank God that these words are written in the past tense. I want to write about my diss ease and my discomfort and how my coping mechanism almost turned it into a disease.


I lost my father to this disease and I almost lost myself.


And if my friends who weren't around during my darkest hours knew or my family! Chiiile… it probably wouldn't have been pretty for me, so I had to hide some things. My mother didn't raise me to be this way. In fact, I don't think I had ever seen my mother drink anything other than Dr. Pepper when I was growing up and coffee. My father had the disease. Which is probably why she tried to shield me by keeping me in church, but I had to make a life of my own I guess.


So, here I go.


I have to acknowledge my past.


I have recognize that I did not get here alone!


Why am I about to put myself out there like this? Because there is somebody out there judging my "perfect" life thinking that me mum spoiled me rotten and I've never known a struggle in my life. Well, you're wrong!


… Picture it, Illinois circa 2009-2013.


Everybody has wild college days, right? You go out with your friends and you party hard, cram for exams, and you live another day just to do it all over again. That's just the American way!


Well, thank God for my college. The ONLY partying on campus was with Jesus every Monday night! BUT as always, we will find a way.


I'm the local around town, so I can make some things happen with ease. Now, don't get me wrong, I was NEVER a party-goer and still to this day I am not, but I did like to partake in refreshments. (If Jada can use, "Entanglement," then I'm using, "Refreshments!") And most days AND nights, the refreshments didn't seem to stop flowing. I didn't care the color, content, or the character.


I was just having fun. I enjoyed the feeling of being "Tipsy" even though by the time I realized it, it was just about my tipping point. I put myself in danger more days than I care to reveal, friends, too.


We were so young and enjoyed the thrilled of illegal activities (I didn't turn 21 until 2011) and the only price to pay was a hangover?? Bet! We can handle that with some sleep and a nice shower.


But those hangovers weren't the only thing that was causing me pain. I was suffering; mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.


My grades were failing and I just couldn't focus. 

It had gotten so bad that a professor told me that I wasn't cut out to be a Comm major and that I should consider changing my major. He also told me that I wouldn't make it in the Army because I couldn't get to my classes on time; I lacked discipline. Now, his words burned me up and caused me to work a little harder (heavy on "little), but that didn't stop me from drinking a BOTTLE of Moscato just about every night.

I couldn't find a Human Being who could out drink me. 

Today, you'd have to BEG me to take a shot!


That didn't stop me from poisoning my friends along the way! "C'mon! It tastes like juice!" I didn't want to feel alone in my state, so I had to bring people along with me. This wasn't just going to be MY secret! “Oh... NO! We're in this together!“


Looking back, I was dealing with a lot of things. That "home" life drove me to drink. That "school" life drove me to drink. That "relationship" life drove me to drink. That pressure of being a daughter to a well-known person drove me to drink. That judgement of being a "Christian" drove me to drink. That IDEA of what my life should be is what drove me to drink.

I had ventured off.


I showed up to church many Sundays "sick" because sometimes just SHOWING up was all I could do and I felt like it was something that I HAD to do.




I felt so alone. I had no mother. I had no father. And the friends that I had were just like me. They were battling their own demons. They were "coping" with their own diss ease and discomfort and they just wanted to be numb. We didn't want to face the realities of tomorrow or even the responsibilities of today!


What started out as something fun and exciting could have very well ended my life because I've seen it ruin lives and relationships in the past. 


It was a wild ride!


But let me tell you how God stepped in for me!


He picked me up and turned me around and placed my feet on SOLID ground!


January of 2013, I rose my right hand and swore to protect these United States of America from foreign and domestic enemies and enlisted into the Army. I made that decision to better my life because I knew that I was spiraling out of control. I started hitting the gym and I started my journey with Christ all over again.




The Army changed my life!


I wish I could say that I was "cured" and all that jazz, but I can't. And truth be told that in October, when I arrived at my first duty station, I was "sick." I had missed my original flight due to my ride being late and sick as well. It was just a whole mess! But in that moment I knew that I hadn't changed a bit and I knew that I needed to and very quickly!!



Having a refreshment everyday would have been too easy. I wouldn't have cried as much. I would have handled that breakup a whole lot better. I would have probably chosen the wrong crowd of Soldiers to hang with and I would have drifted even further from God.


The Army put me out there on my own and I was faced with that decision every single day, do I drink and fade away or do I live in this moment completely sober and aware of what's going on by exercising and reading?


Thank God it was always the latter!

Now, unless you've been diagnosed as an FUNCTIONAL alcoholic, I don't know how one can drink all night and still show up to formation at 0600 ready for PT! You can literally smell the alcohol oozing through their pores! Yuck!



And truth be told, I love a nice glass of wine and I didn't want to get to that point where I had somebody telling me what I can and can't have for health reasons! I am way too young for that type of situation! So, I had to learn my limit. Drunk isn't the goal. Tipsy isn't either. I learned quickly that sickness doesn't soon follow refreshments as often as I thought!

I know my limits. And although I will let loose and allow myself some fun every once in a while, I know that I can be cool off one glass of wine instead of an entire bottle.

I'm sure that there will be many more sick mornings to come throughout my life because I will have some much to celebrate, but that'll be the difference between then and now. It is literally a refreshment!


SALUD!


Without further adieu...


… it IS a pleasure to meet you!